Diving into Dysfunction

Trigger Warning: Content may cause unease for some viewers and listeners. Use Discretion.

 Today's episode of Reflective Hour with Host Tammy Toney-Butler takes a deeper dive into dysfunction. 

Tammy Vincent,  author and speaker, joins today's conversation, bringing her lived experience as an expert in this space. 

Tammy Vincent will take the viewer/listener on a journey as she discusses her latest book and previous works. 

Tammy Vincent hosts the Adult Child of Dysfunction: Thriving After Chaos Podcast. Check it out at this link: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/adult-child-of-dysfunction/id1708247499

Check out and purchase Tammy Vincent's books here: https://www.tammyvincent.com/resources

Check out Tammy Vincent's website here: https://www.tammyvincent.com/

Join Tammy Toney-Butler on the Reflective Hour Podcast and YouTube channel for healing support. https://reflectivehourwithtammytoneybutler.buzzsprout.com/

You can purchase her book on Amazon Kindle, "When you know, that you know, that you know there is a God." 

https://www.amazon.com/stores/Tammy-Toney-Butler/author/B0DC1VXP45?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

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Transcript

Welcome to today's episode of Reflective Hour with Tammy Toney-Butler. I'm your host, but we all know who the host of this show is, and that's Christ. Today we have a very special guest. I was a guest on her show. I can't remember if it was last year or the year before, and just a mighty woman that has overcome so much, a speaker, an author, Tammy Vincent, and she will be joining us in talking about her books and talking about dysfunction and us diving into dysfunction. So I am excited that Tammy will be joining us on the program. Holy Spirit, I just invite you into this, Lord Jesus. I just ask that you share And have us share, I should say, whatever it is that you want us to share. We lift this up to you, Lord Jesus. And we know that even if the ninety-nine are safe, you go after the one. And whoever the one is that needs to hear this message, let it penetrate. Let it penetrate their heart. Let any veil be lifted off so that they can have spiritual eyes to see and ears to hear the truth and that they shall be set free by the truth. In your mighty name, Lord Jesus, we pray. Amen. And I want to welcome Tammy Vincent to the stage. Hi, Tammy. I'm so excited that you're on our program. What an honor. And, you know, please share a little bit about yourself. I know that you do so many things. You wear many hats. And really, I'm just humbled and honored. And the Lord put on me to have you on the show. I know you're going to reach the one, whomever that is. So welcome. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. And I think that's why I do so much, because I feel like I want to reach the one over and over and over and over again, because I just we were talking before I came on here and I said, I don't plan anything because I don't know what people need to hear right then and there. So I just go with it. But I do so many different things because there's so many different avenues. We are in a world. We're very fortunate. We're in a world that there is access to all of everything. These things are so many different ways of healing, you know, besides the big one, which we know that is the number one. But there's so many other things that we can do and so many other places we can go. So I started. Well, let me just give you a little backstory about me. So both of my parents were alcoholics. And my very first memory of my mother and I was when I was four years old. and she put me in a closet and was telling me she hated me and the closet was where I deserved to be and that I would live and die in a closet. I think that was, I was four. And that was my very first memory. And things didn't get better from then. My dad was actually in the military at the time. And even though he was a drinker, he was my protector. He was my physical protector and he was gone. He was in the Navy. So he was gone nine months out of the year until he got out of the military. But I just, it kept going like that. And I remember just a couple of the things, you know, I remember a lot, but there's many, many, many errors of my life, even months and years and vacations that I don't remember. And I've started really working on getting some of those memories back, but not necessarily the memories. I've spent literally thirty years trying to come to terms with the fact that we are all born this beautiful, joyous, gracious, loving, happy person. And then life happens sometimes. And we lose that joyous person that we were born as, that we still are, that we still have inside of us. But it just, it really gets me thinking. And I've been, like I said, I've been on this journey for years because I had so many things ingrained into me by people other than myself that that weren't true. People told me I was not good. People told me I was not worthy. I was led to believe that if I didn't get straight A's that all hell would break loose. Like it was that things would be chaotic and I had to be this perfect child. And I literally from a survival mode became everything that everybody around me wanted me to be. I said what they wanted me to say. I felt what they wanted me to feel. And most likely that was nothing. And, you know, at twenty six years old, I remember after going through all kinds of stuff and I don't want to get into the graphic details, but a good example is my mother when I was my dad had gotten remarried and it was a very toxic relationship, of course, because he was an alcoholic and she was a drinker. And they thought it was a great idea to have my mother have me go live with my mother freshman year in high school. And at that point, she was very into anything she could get her hands on. She was into drugs and she was into alcohol and she was into men and she was into all of these horrible situations because she was just trying to heal something or numb something. And she'd have these boyfriends and she would get in debt with her boyfriends or she would pass out and she would... think it was okay for me to pay her debts. And that was where it really got to a point of Tammy, what are you doing? Like, you are better than this. Like you don't deserve this. And I was six, fifteen or sixteen at the time. And that was kind of my aha moment. That was my first aha moment that I just said, like, why is this even happening? Like, I don't understand. I never did anything wrong. I've tried to be a good person. And it was funny because I can remember curling up like in the crawl spaces and the places that I used to find to hide. And I can remember saying, God, why are you doing this? Like, why are you not helping me? Who's going to help me? And I remember I used to, I would hear a voice and it would say, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. Now, in my naivety and my ignorance at the time, I would say, really? Seriously? Like at a time like this, you're going to mock me? Like that's what I was picturing. I'm like, you're going to mock me. Are you crazy? And it wasn't until that one time when I was sixteen and I was at my mom's house and I said, who is going to save me? Like who? And he said, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. And I was like, aha. And all of a sudden, like I get goosebumps every time I say it because it was like the light bulb came on. And he was like, you and me are going to save you. And that was when I picked up my stuff. I called my dad. I said, I'm coming home. You can take me or you can kick me out, whatever you want to do. I don't care. I'm not living here in this situation. I'm not being in this anymore. So I came home and then I did everything that people are supposed to do. I went to school. I went to college. I got married and Then my second aha moment and the one that sent me on the journey was I was twenty six years old, rocking back and forth in my little rocking chair. I was pregnant, you know, super excited. And have you ever read the book Love You Forever? No. Oh, my gosh. It's a forty paid children's book. It's tiny, but it's about a mother's unconditional love between her her son and herself. And she's rocking him back and forth. And it goes through the steps of his life. You know, the terrible twos, the teenager years, the all of this stuff where he's being bratty and obnoxious like kids can be. And she's rocking them or she's tucking them in and she's singing the song, I love you forever, forever and ever, my baby you'll be. Well, at the end of the book, the tables are turned and she's old and frail and he's rocking her and he's singing the same song, but my mommy you'll be. And you would think it would bend this like, oh, this sweet serendipitous, like happy moment. But I had a total breakdown because what I realized at that moment was I don't understand unconditional love. And I didn't know how I was going to take care of a baby. I knew I had one job and that it was to protect this child. But I didn't understand. I mean, I had gotten married and gotten had gotten ready to have a baby and still didn't ever feel that heart melting, you know, love like that heart melting like, oh, this is it. And now I feel it every day. And that was what started me on my journey. So. I poured into everything I could pour into. And what I realized through that is healing from growing up in a household like that and having things done to you is more than just staying away from the stuff that happened to you and doing the exact opposite in your life. So I had a lot, a lot of growing to do. And once I started growing, I started realizing, wow, there's so many tools. And thirty years later, I was like, oh, my goodness, I have this toolbox of tools that I can just like people come to me and they say, oh, Tammy, this is going on. Oh, been there, done that. Hold on. Let me get my bag. Bag of tricks. And it was actually I had I was actually at a Christian writers conference and we were doing a listening prayer where you just kneel down and they put on soft music and you just ask and you listen. And when it all came about and it was all done, there was probably one hundred and twenty people in the room. The gentleman that was facilitating it looked at me and he said, girl, I don't know what you're doing. I don't know what you're planning, but it's the time is now. And three months later, I wrote my first book, Surviving Alcoholic Parents, and I used a coaching certificate, started using a coaching certificate that I'd had for twenty years before coaching was even a thing, really. to help other people because I knew my mission at that point. And I just said a lot to say a little. Wow, wow, wow. And I just put up, again, the flyer that kind of shows your books. And there's also links in the show notes also on how to purchase those books and gain that valuable resource. First of all, I want to thank you for your transparency. I want to thank you for trusting us enough on this show to share that part of your journey. And also, I don't know your whole story, but what you described was similar to mine. And that's what made mine human trafficking is I became the commodity to pay the debts off. And, you know, depending on what was exchanged, whether it's labor or sexual services, it can be considered human trafficking. And so many of us don't even understand that it's familiar human trafficking and what happens to us. And it was only when I wrote an article published in the National Library of Medicine on human trafficking that I was like, oh, wow. oh, wow, what happened to me was human trafficking. And that means my mother would have been the one that opened me up to being victimized. And something that resonated with me, Tammy, was your aha moments. And you were triggered when you read that book. And you had those emotions because you were not nurtured. You were not protected. And I know that was just so difficult for you to overcome and choose to be victorious and choose to become an overcomer and use your tool chest for good, right? And to bring many to a place to be able to receive healing, realizing they're not too dirty, they're not too full of shame, that healing is for all of us, that we can partake of it. And each of our journeys are so different and individualized in that mother womb can be deep in that sense of rejection. And also you turn to your father and I And, you know, crying out to the Lord, where are you, God? Where are you, God? And I would sit huddled in my bathroom doing the same, reading the Bible. But yet I'd have to open the door and go out and do those unspeakable acts, which I coped through addiction, through alcohol or through drugs. you know, taking anything I could to get to sleep or through sex or through other outlets as we can do. And I too, my dad was in Vietnam. went away, came back, divorced my mom very early and lost his battle with complex trauma and died by suicide. We buried him on Father's Day when I was fifteen. But I wanted him to be my savior. I wanted him to help me and save me because I knew my mother was going to bring yet another male into my life and I was going to be even more victimized. And I knew that I had to get away from my mother sad to say, but in order for me to heal. But that phone call in my case never came because instead of me making a phone call to my father, the phone call was made to me that he had died. And so that set me down another cascade. And you know how we can get into many layers that need to be peeled away from us to heal. And so I said all that to say a little because I know that it stimulated something in you. So I'm passing it to you now, Tammy, go ahead. No, and it's funny. I think we could talk forever because my father was in Vietnam as well. And I think when he came back and he got an honorable discharge to come back because he found out that my mother had left my brother my sister and I alone for days and there was no family around and I think my my sister was a year old I would have been five and my brother seven and my grandmother called us on the phone from new jersey to ohio and said what are you doing and I said well mom hasn't been back in like three or four nights and we're cooking sandwiches and feeding the baby and I mean this was a year old baby and my grandmother got in the car drove us back to new jersey uh my dad got out of the military and spent the rest of his life just floundering, floundering, and became a drinker probably from the PTSD from the military and the war. He was a captain on a big ship, but he would get down in the little ships. And I don't know the details because they say anybody that really went through Vietnam in the war doesn't talk about the details, very seldom. But yeah, and he struggled. And I say, because he was an alcoholic, that he never did anything wrong. Physically, he never, never did anything wrong. He was the most kindest, gentlest man ever, but he wasn't there to do anything right. He was fighting his own demons his whole life. He just never, he was sexually molested as a child when he was a teenager from an uncle. So it was just like the cycle just perpetuates and repeats itself until someone says, darn it, like enough is enough, you know? Yes, and I'm glad that you're the one that has said, you know, enough is enough. Not one more day will this steal anything from my family or anyone that I'm able to speak to, in my case, minister to. Because you know what, Tammy, we're going after the ones. Even if the ninety-nine are safe, we're going after the ones. Because there's so many out there like us who have never spoken about what happened to them before. who can't utter a word of it, who cope through addiction and other outlets. And also I forgave my mother and my mother had a good heart. She, she wanted to be a good mother. I know she did. And I know my dad wanted to be a good dad, but they had trauma, things that they never spoke of. My mother was raised in a family with alcoholism and abuse, horrific things that she never spoke of. And I, Of course, I will never know. And there's some questions we need to stop asking why, because we'll never get the answers. But my father learned of what had happened to us as a result of him being absent in his divorce. And I believe that was also a catalyst in him taking his life. I will never know for sure. Those of us who've lost someone to suicide, those are questions that we will never have answers to. And I had to stop asking the question because it was killing me inside. And I just said, you know what, Lord, I surrender that to you. And I need to live a victorious life. I need to lay down the past and break out of the past so that I can step into who you've called me to be. I can step into the future, into everything that you have for us, into that abundant life that you have for us. And Tammy, I applaud you. I applaud what you're doing. I'm sitting here looking at your title of founder of Teens Thriving Now. And I would be, what's the word I miss? Is that the word? Sometimes I forget and I say the wrong word. Listen, a girl from the trailer park that Jesus saw fit to set free and, you know, put me on this platform. But tell me a little bit about that. If you would like, you just go wherever you're being led. So it's funny that the name of that is Teens Thriving Now because who I'm actually working with right now is mostly adults. But I started that because I wanted to speak for groups of teens because I wanted to help empower them While the stuff was going on and because nobody helped me when I was I had to figure it out, I had to start at twenty six and children that are going through chaos and turmoil and feeling unloved and unworthy shouldn't have to start at twenty six. They should be able to start now. Like now is the day. And so that was my mission. I had this program I wanted to set up with a magic mailbox program where people could anonymously ask me questions. And I was going to be like the Dear Abby or whatever, Dear Ann Land, whatever it is, Dear Abby for teens. And then there was all these things. You can't talk to teens one-on-one. You can't do this. But what I realized in that process is that If the parents aren't well, the teens, you can talk to them, but they're just going right back home into the cycle. So you have to do the whole family system. You have to work the whole family. So I still want to talk for teens. That's what I want to do. I would love to go to Girl Scout camps and Boy Scout camps and You know, I just had somebody call me right last night that said, you know, my son's in a sticky situation. He's got a completely narcissistic father and he won't let him get therapy. And, you know, it's those kind of things. And I would love and I'm unfortunately not a certified therapist, so I can't talk one on one, but I would love to go to schools and colleges. And one of my hardest days of my life was leaving for college because I knew I was leaving my little sister. and just things like that, that these kids need to be empowered. So I'm starting, I actually want to start up a nonprofit with the Magic Mailbox program, and I'm going through the logistics of that. But that was really why my book came about, Surviving Alcoholic Parents. It wasn't necessarily a story. It's not. My story is so scattered in there just so that they know what I went through and that I understand. It's not graphic, it's literally a reference guide, A to Z, so that teens can go, wow, I'm feeling really uneasy right now, or I'm anxious. And you could look up A and it's probably got a section on anxiety. And then you look up B for blackout because they don't understand a parent being blackout drunk. So it's literally a reference guide all over the place so that they can pick it up, skim through it, whatever they need at the moment. It's got some of my favorite verses in there. It's got some of my favorite exercises for just grounding yourself, just different things. But yeah, teens are struggling so hard right now. So that's the name of my company. But I branch everywhere because everybody is struggling and everybody just needs to believe that it can be better. And everything they have, they have inside of them. People got to stop looking outside. We're always looking for that validation and that love and that that, you know, kudos to you from the outside world. And it may never come. So that's my message to teens is you got to be, you know, between you and God. You're it's a powerful team, but you got to believe in it. You got to believe in yourself and you got to know that everything you have, you have inside to heal and to being back to amazingly happy, to everything. It's all in you. You just gotta learn how to access it. Oh, you do. And, you know, in my own journey, I just came to the realization. And I also want to preface this by saying we're in the middle of a hurricane. I just I heard the wind picking up. So I don't know if a band is coming through. But this morning I had such joy. You know, I had to get up and feed the animals, the cows and everybody in between bands. And And, you know, I knew because the Holy Spirit's like, go feed Neo now. And I was able to miss the rain. But I had such joy. I was so grateful. And I had to get to that place of joy, no matter what my circumstances are, no matter what my emotions are, you know, and not go by those things. And that only came about when I had to let go. You know what? I got delivered from me, my selfishness. I think my breakthrough came when I realized it's not all about me as Joyce Meyers, you know, new book, what about me? But when I, I said, wow, stop thinking just about yourself and being so selfish and think of others and look to how you can help others and pull them up and help them and bring them out of bondage. And that actually, the more I delivered myself of me and became less selfish and more selfless and giving to what resemble Christ, right? For us to be humble and to resemble him and love like he loves. it even transformed our ministry. And like you said, Tammy, we have been pouring into teams even that are maybe caught up in the system who like yourself have been raising themselves or have been throwaway children or couch surfing, doing the best they can. And we have stepped in to help Even colleges and universities, but mainly I say universities, I meant vocational tech facilities that are housing some of these fifteen, sixteen year olds and just sort of helping them bridge the gap and teaching them life skills, empowering them, saying, okay yeah that might not have been such a good thing he did but let's talk about a better way because they don't have parents to ask or the parents that they have are struggling with addiction who didn't have parents so who's teaching these children who's teaching the youth and so let me tell you I believe in your nonprofit I know it's going to be birthed into existence And I'm calling it forth now in the name of Jesus, because it is needed. And it is where the need is that we step in and we offer Maslow's basic hierarchy of needs, that we create that environment for them to thrive and to say, you know what? I want to do this. But should I do that? Because the world is saying, do it, do it. But what should I do? Because remember, they don't have the prefrontal cortex capability to understand the downstream effects of what they're doing. Praise God there wasn't social media, Instagram, Snapchat and all this stuff when I was growing up. Who knows what video would be out there of me? And I'm just grateful. But the kids, they're growing up in this environment where it's this clip culture, this quick instant, let's post this, let's do this. And they don't understand how it's affecting them. They don't understand what is happening. So when we wrap our arms around them as being their spiritual mothers or stepping in and mothering them through these processes and being like a mother Teresa to so many that we can show them the love and light of Christ and give them the tools and let them know that you're fearfully, beautifully and wonderfully made doors and sons of the king. You can rise above what happened to you. You can step into who he's called you to be because you are all that. You are meant for better. You are meant for better. You are meant for better. And you have it within you to overcome every obstacle placed in your path. And that is what is a powerful realization about what your charity that you are forming, that will be formed. There'll be people coming after this, even the episode, after this podcast, after this YouTube to come and say, you know what? I want to support Tammy Vincent. I want to get this charity off the ground because it is needed. The need is great. The need is great. The harvest is great. And the labors are few. And I call forth people to help you, Tammy. Oh, to help you, Tammy. And oh, I didn't see that going in that direction, but that's what we're doing. We're just flowing with the spirit of the Lord. And he is all over that. I just feel his, when you talk about his children, when you talk about shepherding his flock, he gets excited. And I'm just excited, Tammy. I'm passing it to you now. What has he placed on you to say now? Nothing. Well, I don't say nothing. I say everything because I could literally talk for hours. But it's it's so true. It's so true that so many people and these children don't have role models. They don't have guidance if they don't get into the church or get with a group. I was I was modeled nothing. I was modeled absolutely nothing except fighting and and. You know, I couldn't, oh, it was just, I couldn't go to a friend's house. I couldn't even sleep at a friend's house because my father was afraid to be in the house with my mother alone. So I didn't ever see a family, a family hug, a family love, a family, I never saw it. And I'll tell you, it's funny. I think back to this and I just had a story and we hear this all the time with pets where like a father gets rid of a pet or gets rid of a dog. And it like is heartbreaking for these children because sometimes that is the only thing the only being that they feel a connection to. And it's so funny. And when I think of that book and I go back to that book, what did I do? Because my first thing was like, I'm not capable of this. I'm not capable of love because I've never, I don't know what it is. So I did the only thing that I could possibly think. I went to the pet store and I bought myself an eight week old puppy. And I thought, this is how I'm going to test my ability and my, just test to see if I am even capable of unconditional love. And that's why I tell you, when I held that little puppy in my hands, he was eight weeks old, a little Shih Tzu. I named him fat man because I had another dog named Jake, but I held him in my hand. And that, that my friends, if you're out there listening is the feeling that you are striving for. If you've never felt unconditional love or you, you just have never felt it. It's that melting of your heart. So I encourage you look up to the sky and, And every time you feel that, because that's, you know, if you don't have a person in your life, that's where it's coming from. To me, it came from there and my puppy. Like I can say, I can hold the two in the hand, but it's, wow. It's, you know, I just look at these children and I don't, it breaks my heart. It literally breaks my heart that there are so many children. And, you know, you called them throwaway kids. And I was like, wow, I've never even heard that term. I don't know how have I not heard that term. And it went right to my heart. Like, oh, wow, you're right. Because they are. And I actually work for a nonprofit here in Florida called Life Recaptured. And they have one of the, I think they have the only safe house in our county here. And they're all human trafficking survivors. And, you know, it's funny that you said that because I didn't even realize that, that it's like, sixty percent of them are trafficked by family members. That's how it starts. And I was like, wow, that was a big slap in my face, a big realization. And you're in Florida. We're in one of the third highest state in the country because we have all these ports and all this stuff. So, you know, for the parents out there listening, like she said, you know, the social media and everything, protect your children, protect your children. Even if you know you're not in a good place, even if you know you're fighting with alcoholism and addiction and everything else, protect your children. Like, try to do the best you can. And because they're struggling, these kids are really struggling. Oh, they are. They are struggling. And there are so many that don't understand, you know, they think human trafficking is like the movie taken or, you know, something like that. And there's so much exploitation out there. There's so much, you know, you can, you know, there's so much human trafficking and there's a lot of, families that are struggling and that are offering up their children as a means to generate income, to purchase drugs so that they can cope with their own addiction, so that they can have enough in their system to be able to parent that child. So choices, are they choices or are they survival responses? And so the lens at which we view people through And our perspective needs to change. That is even one reason that I built the trauma responsive pulpit series. I say my, I built it. I didn't build anything. Lord Jesus does everything with me. You know, I don't do anything. I just look up a lot, you know. And he had me build it so that you can understand that when you're ministering to individuals like us or you're working at safe homes that may be faith based, that you realize that that we can be triggered in certain ways and and that how you care for us may be different. But even though. Our stories may be different. There's such parallels within our underlying story of the root cause of why we were opened up to victimization, which is what you've got to get at when you want to have individuals heal is childhood trauma, childhood adversity, generational trauma. And that is why you're right. We need to embrace the entire family unit. and remove the conditions that are opening these children up to being victimized. You know, let's make sure that they, if they're in an impoverished neighborhood, that they have the resources and tools that they need. You know, let's make sure that they have the pathways of healing. Know that there's people out there that can help them. Step in and have affordable daycare. Because I also was opened up to victimization and raped as a child by another male. And it was a babysitter. My mom got free babysitting. She didn't have to pay for a babysitter. And off I went. And even when I told her I didn't want to go back there, that horrible things were happening, I still got dropped off because it was free babysitting. And so those are the things that are happening. And when your child discloses to you and says, you know what? I don't like such and such. I don't want to go over there. You need to listen to your child. And we live in this culture to where, oh, well, you need to be nice. You need to be. No. If your child says to you, they don't want to go over there. They don't want to spend the night. They don't want to go to that sleepover. You need to listen to them and you need to come up with an alternative source. And we need to wrap our arms around them as a faith based community, as a community, whether faith based or not. We need to wrap our arms around these children in these mothers, these mothers in children. pay attention to what's going on and put pathways in place for them to be successful so that they aren't opened up to be victims of human trafficking. They are no longer exploited or abused and they can make a successful healing transition. And what does that look like for everybody? It's different. It is taking me years. Right, Tammy? It is. It is taking me years to get to where I am. And just when I think I'm OK, another layer is peeled back or something happens. Just now, even when you were talking about that, the animal. I remember when I wanted something to love so desperately. And I remember somebody gave me a kitten. And I think I was only about nineteen. I was a new eighteen, new nurse at the time. But let me tell you, I thought I could do it. But when that child, that child, that kitten started to cry, I got triggered. I got angry and I didn't understand what was happening to me. I really didn't. And I could not let go of that kitten and give it away quick enough. And then I was able to go back to my hypo arousal mode or actually kind of, you know, in that window of tolerance, which I now know what that is. And I was able just to maintain. And of course I overworked to, you know, and over please threw myself into doing that to heal. But then now on this side of the fence, our ministry, the Holy Spirit, the Lord spoke through the Holy Spirit to me and said that I was to take in a cow. So I became a mother of a heifer cow and her name is Hope. And so I brought her home, Brought her in our little cat carrier or dog carrier in the truck, went and got her from a local rancher. She had been abandoned by her mother and laid out in the woods alone for several days. She lived and was nursed back to health. And I think I got her on day five and raised her up, bottle fed her. And I tell you what, when I look at her and she is like nineteen hundred pounds and she will go from one end of the pasture as soon as she sees me and she comes and she calls out for mama. It is the greatest feeling. But I couldn't experience that unconditional love until I grew inside and realized I was worthy and that I was OK. And how did I do that? By. Christ Jesus. Yep. My God. And I was going to say, all of our stories are so insanely different, but at the end of the day, the effects and the unworthiness and those deep seated beliefs are the same. They're all the same, no matter what the dysfunction is. That's why I used to talk about You know, I used to coach adult children of alcoholics and then it's adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families because it's the same thing, whether it's alcoholism, addiction, physical abuse, sexual abuse. The underlying message to you is the same, that you are not good, you are not worthy and you are not lovable. And that is what we need to work on helping everybody understand. You know, the I am program, you know, that I am program that's like in other countries. And I wish they would bring it here. But I used to do that with my kids where when I taught first grade, We wrote down all of the things we thought about ourselves. And then we wrote down all of the things that we our favorite person we thought thought about us. And then we crossed off anything negative. And then we would stand up at the front of the room every morning and we would read our list of positive things. I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am smart. That was twenty five years ago. And. they need to believe it because if you hear it, you will start to believe it and you'll start to act it. And teaching like emotional intelligence to these children that don't have models is so difficult, but somebody has to do it. Like somebody has to be that voice. It is, it's difficult. we had to come far enough into our own healing and in our journey so that we didn't bleed on or hurt others as we did try to process what they're telling you and not be judgmental and say, well, that probably didn't work out so well. So how about let's rethink how you might want to do that next time. And, um, I, Boy, I've screwed up a lot. And when you follow God, it's this experiential knowledge. It's this walking through it. He's going to get you through it. It doesn't mean that it's all roses and unicorns and rainbows. You have to go through the darkness and get to the light. And boy, I've gone through a lot of stuff and learned, oh, well, that didn't work out so well. But these children, they really need someone there immediately to say, but you're not worthless. It doesn't, okay, you screwed up, but so what? It's okay. You can rise above it. Let me show you a different path next time. And they're listening. I mean, it's working. These, these kids, they're, they're going on to go to college. They're becoming, um, empowered and growing into who they were always supposed to be. And remember the, you know, God spoke the world into existence. Words matter and you need to speak life over yourself. You don't need to speak curses. You need to say, I am beautiful. I am a daughter of the King. I am a son of the King. I am mighty. I am prosperous. I am whole. I am healed. I am beautiful. I am washed clean. I am righteous I am full of joy I am grateful we need to say these things and speak that life over ourselves right now I am protected I can tell you right now absolutely nothing is going to come near me no no tornado no anything with this storm will come near my dwelling because that's the god I serve and I went through hurricane e and huddled in a shed And I didn't have fear. There is no fear in perfect love. You need to speak life over yourselves and stop speaking death. And we need to rebuke and get out of the spiritual famine that we're in so that we can go into the abundance and into the abundant life that Christ Jesus offers us. Because that is our portion. That is our portion. Healing is our portion. Life is our portion. That is our portion. And Tammy, that is your portion, Tammy. You have gone and you have sacrificed and you have done so much for so little. And you have been, there's so many times you went and you never got paid to go. You just went because you knew you had to go. You knew you had to go. And I'm telling you right now, I prophesy over you that everything, the locust stole, the palmer worm, the canker worm, it's coming back. you will have it and have it in abundance and overflow because you're going to pour it out to others. That living water, because it comes up from heaven and goes out through you up and out that vertical and horizontal relationship. Go God. I feel that in my spirit and I call it forth into existence. And I see you are listeners. Everyone that's listening to you. God bless you. Who's listening to us all over the world. I see you I see you I see you oh tammy I can't thank you enough I can't thank you enough and you know tell us speak to us a little bit more what else he's got on your heart I think the only other thing I really want to add is that when we're looking at these situations and this is probably one of my very favorite things to tell people is when you are hurting or when you are going through struggles, stop looking at them as happening to you and look at them as happening for you, because then you will not beat yourself up. Learn from everything. Take everything as just it was meant to be. What did I learn from this? How can I be better from this? How can I do? How can I help? How can I how can I serve? Because if you're just looking at things happening to you, you're a victim. And we are not victims. We are victors. So it's I take this bad thing that happened. OK, what do I do with it? I use it to help. I use it to serve. I use it to have more hope. I use it to share whatever it is. But when we have to stop, you know, like we said, it's all in us to be victorious and to be amazing and happy and joyous. But we have to. It's a choice, too. I mean, that is the one thing God gave us was free will. And it is our choice. And we have to decide you're either going to be a victim or you're going to be a victor. And we all have it in us to be victorious. All of us. Wow. We're having a band come through here right now. Yeah. Yeah. We're having a band, a praise band, but we're having a band from the hurricane. But yeah, you know, it's crazy. That's what happened to me is, you know, I had I'd gone to church as a child. I remember one of my abusers sat in the front row. I went to a Baptist church and I remember being even labeled by some people as a bad kid or this or that. But yet he was praised and he I knew what was going to happen on Sunday when, you know, we got out of church and we went back home. And. you know, there's so many times that I look to the Lord for healing, but I just didn't kind of know how to find my way to him. And also I had to surrender that little girl, which was hard for me to surrender control to a quote male, which I see God as a male, you know, and Lord Jesus, but he gave me a choice and it was the, on the grounds of Ave Maria. And he said, That shame, that guilt, that fear, that regret, that addiction, that insomnia, everything is attached to that little girl. And you can decide today that you can nail all that to the cross because I already died for that. I already put all that on the cross. And I rose again. And you can be victorious over all of that. But you can live as a victim that that stuff happened too. And you can... exist because that's all I was doing. I was not living. I was existing. I had panic attacks, all this stuff that was manifesting as I got older and never dealt with my trauma. And it, it began to deal with me. And he goes, you can let all that go. You can surrender all that stuff that happened to her, that little girl, let me take her. And you can surrender her and let me be on the throne of your life. Let me heal you. Let me show you how to do life and become a new creature. Because then we're reborn. The moment we say yes to Lord Jesus, we are reborn and we are a new creature. Made new and he starts washing us clean on the inside and getting that junk out of our trunk. And it's so amazing. Because there's hope and there's healing. People wake up. Choose to be victorious. You don't have to be that person that that stuff happened to. That's a lie from Satan. And I'm sorry, it's from the pit of hell. And I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. You need to step into who God's called you to be. You need to step into your ordained purpose. People are waiting. People are in their pit and they're waiting on you to come and pull them out and show them Jesus. Listen, you have to heal. You know why? Because others need you. They need you to show them the way. Everything you've gone through, it can be used for good. Tammy did it. I did it. Do you think there's anything special about me? I did it in his strength, not in mine. I'm nothing but filthy rags. I don't want you to see me. I want you to see Jesus. He's the one that you need to surrender to and say, you know what? I can't do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. I need you to take the addiction. I need to lay down that little girl and that little boy that all that bad stuff happened to. I don't want to let her affect my life anymore or that boy. I want to walk in abundant life. I want to walk in who you've called me to be. And today I call that forth. That is you. That is your portion. Your portion is healing. And it starts today. It starts today in the name of Jesus. It starts today. You live that victorious life today. It is a choice. Freedom is a choice. And it starts today. You have faith over fear. Faith over fear. Faith over fear. Oh, Tammy, I'm moving it to you now. Back to you, sister. Oh, wow. Well, you topped it off there. I was going to say you did it. I didn't do it. I was going to say, go back and listen to it so that I know what he said. Go ahead. Keep going. No, you're fine. I just, I mean, amen to all of that. You heard it. I mean, from the mouth of, from the mouth of babes and Tammy, two Tammys. But no, I really appreciate you having me on. This is awesome. This is great. I could talk to you forever. You know, the message just, it just needs to be out there. I tell people we need, this is not, people are like, oh, it's my mission. I'm like, it's not a mission. It's a movement. It's bigger than a mission. Oh, that's good. Say it again. Say it again. I said, it's not a mission. It's a movement. It is way bigger. I actually am doing a summit in December and it's called Shattering the Stigmas because people don't understand. So like for the listeners out there, even if this isn't for you, it's going to help somebody. Like I said, there's so many people that just don't understand and we don't know what we don't know. So being that child growing up, that was their norm. If these things you don't understand, I put out a post saying I wanted speakers to talk about on a summit, shattering the stigmas of mental health issues. And do you know, on three posts, I got over five hundred and sixty responses. Yes. because we don't know. And people are so tired of people not knowing. So we need more of us to just be out there and standing on the rooftops or standing. I wouldn't stand on my rooftop right now. My light just flickered as a matter of fact. We're both in Florida. So we're both like, but just yelling, yelling at the rooftop and telling anybody you can to be that voice. That's really my best advice. oh it is and I tell you what as we close this out I brought up again the the flyer on the the screen again in the show notes um it'll be about how to reach you but tammy tell us you know how people can reach you how they can get your book I know on your website you've got tons of resources you've got courses You've got coaching, I believe. There's so much that you offer as well. Go ahead and just share any closing remarks that you have with our viewers and our listeners. And remember to like and subscribe on our YouTube channels and share, share, share, because that really gets this message out there. And as Tammy said, this is a movement. This is a movement. It's a movement and it starts with you. Absolutely. Yeah. So anything I am more than happy to help anybody talk to anybody. Just go to my website, TammyVincent.com. You can find everything you need there. Reach out. Let's chat. Book a coffee chat. I just I would love to talk to you. Book to be on my podcast. I would if you have a story of hope and healing, I would love to talk to you. All positivity. That's I breathe and sleep and eat positivity, gratitude, thankfulness. And I just love it. Oh, I do too. I do too. Tammy, I can't thank you enough for being on the show. I just follow the Holy Spirit and he wanted you on and I know how busy you are. You're going between summits, you're planning this and planning that and you were like, okay, I'll be on. because you know you right we recognize right it's god like we have to stop what we're doing because we obey you know and then obedience is better than sacrifice and and you had a choice and you chose to come on reflective hour today and I thank you so much and god bless you and keep you and oh he's got great things in store for you so get ready get ready get ready it's coming tammy it's coming amen Thank you so much. And for all the listeners out there, you have a wonderful and blessed week. Amen. Amen. Thank you so much. Take care, Tammy. Wow. What a guest. Again, I just want to add to the stage and show you Tammy Vincent. Those are her books. It's TammyVincent.com. You can find it in the web pages. I'm sorry, in the show notes about how to find Tammy. And wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And you know, anyone who finds yourself triggered after this episode, then please, please, please look at the hotline information. Tammy has it on her website. I have it on mine. It's always in the show notes. And there's never any shame in reaching out and getting help. There is no shame in that. Even when I follow my Lord Jesus, he has trauma therapists that are out there. They're helped several of our clients, Christian counselors. There's so many different ones, life coaches, whatever it is, whatever you need, you know, you reach out and seek that because your healing journey is individualized and it's your journey. It's your story. And we know how it ends. It ends victorious. It ends when you're being set free. It ends in freedom. Because remember, you have to get Egypt out of the people, even if they leave bondage, even if they leave the abusive situation. They can still be in bondage, but not in Christ Jesus. He came to set us free. And he who he sets free is free indeed. Holy Spirit, I just ask that you go with each of them, that you keep them, that you strengthen them, oh God. The ones that are, this storm, this storm is coming at them or close to them and the bands are coming in. And there's this spirit of fear that is taken over and I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. I call forth peace. I call forth peace and protection, Father God, and that people heed your words and heed that knowing, that knowing in their spirit that they need to go to higher ground, that they need to get away from that storm surge. Trust me. Trust me as someone who's gone through Hurricane Ian. If you're in the path of that storm and that storm surge has been predicted, heed that and go to higher ground. Heed that and go to higher ground. Who knows? You may end up ministering to someone and helping them in the shelter. But you need to obey and you need to go. You need to obey and go. And I just pray for everyone in harm's way. There is no fear in Christ Jesus. There is no fear. You are protected. Psalm ninety one prayers are protected of protection tucked under the wing of the almighty God. In the cleft of the rock, you are hidden and protected. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode of Reflective Hour with Tammy Toney-Butler and our special guest, Tammy Vincent. Let's move that mountain together. Speak to that mountain. And that's what it says in the word in Mark, eleven, twenty-two to twenty-five or twenty-three to twenty-five. I'm Getting that off the fly. You speak to that mountain, you cast it into the sea and it goes. You get to have what you say. Well, today, today, we call for laborers into the field and we speak to that mountain and we cast it into the sea. You will walk in freedom. You will not be bound any longer. You will be set free. Free from addiction. Free from the leftover stigma of childhood trauma. Free from depression. Free, free, free, free. And you will live a victorious life in Christ Jesus. Because I believe it and he believes it. I love you and Lord Jesus loves you. Thank you so much for joining us today on this episode of Reflective Hour. And thank you everyone who's tuning in and listening to us. I see you in all over the world, in Bangladesh, in Africa, and so many other continents and countries. I see you. I see you. I see you. Thank you so much for tuning in. Know that I love you. Know that I pray for each of you. And you will have abundant life. You will have. Thank you so much. God bless you and keep